Ran across this at a website on medical/nursing humor. It is quite extreme, but is it really anymore extreme than some of the real ones that are seen everyday?
To: All Hospital Employees
Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each Charge Nurse will be issued with a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will patrol the hospital grounds 3 times each shift. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, the Critical Care Units will now assume security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors, as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring them something, or make arrangements with Subway, Dominos, Wendy’s, or another outside food preparation facility, prior to mealtime. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose, as well as for calls the patient may wish to make.
Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of motion exercise, as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also register to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients for discounts on their bill. Time cards will be provided to those registered.
Nursing Administration is assuming the grounds keeping duties. If a Nursing Supervisor cannot be reached by phone or beeper, it is suggested to listen for the sound of the lawn mower, weed eater, or leaf blower.
Engineering will also be eliminated. The Hospital has subscribed to the Time-Life series of “How to…” maintenance books. These books may be checked out from Administration. Also, a toolbox of standard equipment will be issued to all Nursing Units. We will be receiving the volumes at a rate of one per month, and have received the volume on basic wiring. If a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to repair it as best as possible until that particular volume arrives.
Cutbacks in Phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related laboratory studies on patients already bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two (2) X-rays per patient per stay. This is due to the turn-around time required by the local Photomat. Two prints will be provided for the price of one and physicians are encouraged to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if more prints are desired. Photomat will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour processing in an emergency. If employees come across any coupons, they are encouraged to clip them and send them to the Emergency Room.
In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures, the local Electric Company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans may be rented or purchased in the Gift Shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients and the few remaining staff are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nosocomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will be available for purchase though the hospital pharmacy, and will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed in the hospital’s formulary.
Although these cutbacks and changes may appear drastic on the surface, the Administration feels that over time we will all benefit from this latest cost cutting measures.
Maybe I shouldn’t post this. It may give some admin-types too many ideas.